I know why people with chronic pain are crazy

I've been battling (self diagnosed) plantar fasciitis in my left foot for about 18 months now. I've read all about the "treatment" modalities which basically only work if you can be confined to traction in your bed for six months. Here's what they say:

NEVER go barefoot or wear flip flops

Spell out the alphabet with your foot before you get out of bed

Heat your heel first thing in the morning

Do calf stretches 3-4 times a day

Do not run

Always wear a shoe that supports your arch (as soon as you get out of bed)
Ice your foot at night right before bed (then hop on one foot into bed)
Wear a night splint or soft cast to bed

Massage the heel

Take ibuprofen as necessary to reduce inflammation

Foot Wakers

Admittedly, I've only followed a few of these guidelines and sporadically at best. So maybe it's not surprising that this nagging pain keeps getting worse and worse. Anyway, I tell every medical professional or running expert that I meet about this problem in the hopes that they are hiding the key piece of information that will lead me to tranquil healing. So I was excited when this neuromuscular therapist told me about "foot wakers," massaging spheres with knobs to loosen up the fascia in your foot. I was immediately turned off when I found out that they cost $60 a pair. Crazy Brian. Then, I went home and googled these suckers. What? This is what all the hype is about? I think I've seen those in the pet toy aisle.

So I gave up and decided my feet would forever be "asleep" because I refuse to pay $60 for "wakers." But today, my foot pain woes found hope in the laundry aisle at CVS. These little dryer balls are perfect for rolling around under my heel and cost a mere $3. That's more like it. And that's how I outsmart the ridiculous  medical community, of which I am a part.